


She/Her/Herself

by orphan_account



Category: Cucumber | Banana | Tofu (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Past Abuse Implied, Trans Female Character, Transphobia/Transmisogyny, Universe Alteration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 06:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4511793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's nothing easy about coming out to your incredibly gay boyfriend as a trans woman. Luckily, things don't go at all as badly as expected. But for Freddie Baxter, coming out is just the first step in a long, difficult journey in learning to accept herself for who she is - something she wasn't very good at doing even before she realized she was transgender.</p>
            </blockquote>





	She/Her/Herself

**Author's Note:**

> It's so late at night so right off the bat I wanna apologize for any possible errors. I edited this myself and I'm pretty good at that, but it's 3 AM now so uh... I'll be going over this and re-editing tomorrow, I just REALLY wanted to get this up asap. Anywayyy, I really really love trans woman Freddie, and I really love Josh/Freddie, so I wanted to write something that combined the two? And... I'm calling this a universe alteration, because although Freddie and Josh are in an established relationship, she still lives in the flat with Dean and Henry, heh.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy! I'd love to hear what you think! X

No matter how long she had spent planning this, nothing could prepare her for when the time finally came. She had memorized the words perfectly at this point, had been saying everything aloud to herself when she was alone, had been playing them over and over in her head like a broken record. But now, sitting on the end of the bed with Josh’s eyes on her, she felt that all of her practicing had gone to waste, had been completely pointless.

Josh’s eyes were both stunning and somewhat unsettling; they were absolutely huge and the deepest, darkest brown she could envision - when he stared at her, she felt like he was gazing right into her soul, and the idea of anyone, especially someone who claimed to love her, being able to see that deep into her was utterly terrifying. She swallowed hard, attempting to clear her throat but finding that this only caused it to tighten further and made words even more difficult to form, and her eyes left Josh’s face to rest instead on the ground.

“You said you wanted to talk, Freddie?” Josh’s own voice trembled just a bit, and she realized with guilt that he was nervous. He was never good at deep or serious conversations, he had trouble understanding other people and communication was far from his strong point, and it was clear now that he was worried that there was something wrong (specifically, something wrong with _him_ ).

But she was feeling too panicky to focus on him now. She nodded, unsure of how much time had passed since the actual question had been asked as she was much too nervous to keep track of anything at the moment, and her hand clenched into a fist where it rested on the bed.

“I’m a woman, Josh.”

That had sounded better in her head.

 _God,_ that had sounded better in her head.

_Fuck._

The silence that followed was, as far as long, painful, awkward silences go, not too unbearably long. Josh seemed to regather himself relatively fast, at least enough to say, “What d’you mean, Freddie?”

Freddie refused to look up, refused to meet his eyes or see his expression. Her whole body felt like it was on fire, and she hoped she wasn’t blushing but she knew she was. Her heart was hammering in her chest. “I mean, I’m… I’ve thought about this, Josh. About myself, who I am…” She let out a shaky, bitter little laugh, hating herself. Hating everything about herself: The fact that she was doing so poorly at explaining this, the fact that she was scaring Josh so much, the fact that she felt this way at all. She wanted to die. “I’m… transgender… Josh.” The word felt poisonous as it escaped her lips, it sounded sick and wrong and she hated herself.

Josh took a bit longer to respond this time. Freddie still did not look up. She was messing with the lowest button of her shirt now, trying to distract herself by fidgeting with it, her hands trembling too much to really do anything other than run her fingers over the small, cold, circular piece of plastic.

When Josh finally spoke again, there was a sort of worry in his voice that made her heart break. A sort of fear and anxiety that she was certain she knew the cause of, knew _she was_ the cause of, and it only served to make her hatred for herself become more intense, flaring up inside of her. She wanted to throw up. “So you’re a girl.”

“Yeah.” Her voice was hoarse and weak and she sucked in a breath to try to stop herself from dry heaving.

“You gonna… get surgery or take… anything? Hormones?”

“Dunno.”

Josh had never been good at social cues, and certainly was rarely able to detect when a topic was uncomfortable for Freddie. He hadn’t seemed to catch the strain in her tone. “And change your name?”

“Dunno,” Freddie mumbled again. Her heart was hammering in her chest. She drew in another breath, this one shakier than the last. She choked a bit, holding back a gag, trying not to throw up, desperately wanting to. She was panicking, and her entire body was malfunctioning, every instinct begging her to run away, to escape, to get as far from this room and Josh and _herself_ as possible. Quietly, she forced out, “Is that… it then?”

“Is it?” Josh responded quickly, too quickly, and there was a new tone in his voice, one of despair and fear and hurt. Freddie hated herself.

“I dunno,” She really was starting to sound like a broken record. Gloomily, she added, “You like boys.”

“What?”

The question was so odd that Freddie found herself looking back up at Josh’s face for an answer. His eyebrows were raised. His eyes, even wider than normal, were usually a bright and shining brown, but now they were glossed over with unfallen tears. Except now he looked more surprised than anything else. Freddie furrowed her brow. “D’you understand what I’m saying? I’m a woman, Josh. Might get surgery and everything, if I can.”

“Yeah, yeah, I got that… So you’re breaking up with me…” Josh said the words too stiffly, and she noticed he was trembling a bit.

But the words confused and surprised her. She blinked at Josh, eyeing him for a moment, before shaking her head slowly. “I was expecting you to have walked out by now.” she said softly, and she ran her tongue over her lower lip, eyeing him curiously. And then, going so far out on a limb that she expected it to snap at any moment, she added, “I never said I was breaking up with _you_. If you still… wanted me-”

“Yes!”

Instantly, Josh flushed with embarrassment. He laughed bashfully, looked away so quickly that the red curls on his head bounced. Freddie felt something unclench in her stomach, felt a brief burst of relief wash over her, but she knew it was too early for that. She needed clarification. She needed not to get her hopes up. “You’re _gay_ , but you would go out with _me_ , even if I was a woman?”

Josh turned back to face Freddie. His cheeks were still pink, and Freddie, unable to help herself, found the faintest traces of a grin forming on her lips, one of adoration and exasperation and hope and relief. This only served to redden his cheeks further. Voice trembling as if he had been about to cry, he said, “I love _you_ , Freddie. I don’t… I don’t _care_ what you are.” Eyes widening briefly, catching onto how this may have sounded bad, he added hastily, “I mean… if you’re a girl, then you’re a girl, and that’s… that’s wonderful! And I’ll do whatever I can to help, yeah? If you… want me.”

Freddie stared with shock. Any feeling of sickness seemed to have been forgotten, and although she was still shaking, still felt a deep sense of self hatred so powerful that it was almost overwhelming, a sort of warm, relaxed relief seemed to wash over her and she let out the first steady breath - which was still a bit broken up by a weak laugh - since she had first entered the room to talk to Josh. She reached for him, arms wrapping around his neck to pull him into a hug, and she buried her nose into the area between his neck and shoulder.

Josh seemed surprised by this, and it took him a moment to respond before he gave her a squeeze, eagerly pulling her into his arms. “Have you told anyone else yet?”

He could feel her shake her head against his neck. “Mm, no, I haven’t.” she mumbled. Her voice was still weak, and muffled thanks to the way her face was pressed into him. “Don’t want to yet. Just telling you was hell enough.” She laughed breathily. He kissed the top of her head.

The sheer anxiety and build up of the situation eventually getting to her, she puked in the bathroom about five minutes later.

Josh helped clean up.

xxx

“I’m not telling him.”

“Well, you should eventually, Freddie.”

“I refuse.”

“You _live with him_. If he sees you parading around in heels and makeup he’s _going_ to ask.” Josh let out an exasperated sigh. He was laying on his stomach on Freddie’s bed, his elbows propping him up and his chin resting in his hand. Freddie was fumbling with a sparkling blue nail polish that Sophie had dropped off earlier that day.

Looking up from her hand only quick enough to meet Josh’s gaze for a moment, she muttered, “Well, he can just assume I’m a crossdresser, yeah? Easier than coming out.”

Josh sighed again. “D’you _want_ that? You want him thinking you’re the next… Boy George or something?”

“Mm, I’m more of a Marilyn.”

“ _Freddie_ …”

Again, Freddie looked up, this time with a sort of irritation in her eyes, but Josh knew it wasn’t directed at him. Still, he sat up now, and smiled apologetically in hopes that it would calm her just a bit. Softly, he attempted to reason with her by saying, “I just think it’d be best to tell Henry and get it over with. I don’t mean to push you, love.”

Freddie sighed and turned to the mirror that sat on her dresser. She let out a huff and ran a hand through the short blond hair. “It’s never going to grow out.”

“You want it to?”

Freddie shrugged, cheeks warming up a bit. “Some, yeah. Enough that I can pass.” She groaned and gave the hair an exasperated, angry little tug. “Dunno if that’ll help at all, though. I mean… You said it yourself, about drag queens and all. That’s how I’ll look. Men have long hair all the time, don’t they? It wouldn’t change people’s perception of me very much.” Her tone was growing softer, she was feeling less and less confident - not that she had much confidence to begin with - by the second. The nail polish felt like it burned where it was painted onto her fingers.

Josh frowned and stood up at that, noticing something was wrong. “Hair grows pretty fast.” he reasoned, walking up next to her, staring at her reflection in the mirror. He reached for the hand she had in her hair and gently pulled it away, giving it a squeeze. “You could wear a wig until it does?”

“Hm, I’m not sure.” Freddie admitted, shaking her head. She turned away from Josh and the mirror. “But it’s not just about that. All of this is fucking confusing. I don’t even know if there’s a point in trying. Won’t ever really be a girl, will I?”

Frown growing larger on Josh’s face, he shook his head stubbornly. “No, no, no, that’s not true.” he said quickly. He reached around to give her a kiss on the cheek, and she turned her head away again. He sighed and squeezed her hand, which was still in his own. Neither realized that the freshly painted polish was rubbing off and staining his hand blue. “You’re my pretty girl.”

Out of nowhere, Freddie began to laugh. Josh furrowed his brow.

“I’m not a pet, Josh.”

xxx

When Henry came back to the flat half an hour later, Josh immediately regretted pushing Freddie to come out to him, as Henry was greeted instantly with a bitter, “So it turns out I’m not a boy, meaning you can finally stop fantasizing about shoving your fifty year old cock in my arse.”

Josh had been too mortified to add onto that. Henry seemed rather used to it, although the wording did, understandably, cause even him to falter a little before asking curiously, “What does that mean?”

Freddie was leaning against the wall beside the door to her room. Josh noticed she was trembling a bit. He had a feeling she would strangle him if he ever pointed it out.

“You heard me, didn’t you? I’m not a boy. I’m a woman.”

Staring for a moment, Henry suddenly let out a soft gasp as what Freddie was saying came together for him. An almost incredulous smile forming its way onto his lips (Freddie wanted to gag), he said, “Are you… are you coming out to me as transgender?” His eyes darted briefly to Josh, who stood behind Freddie, as if silently wondering two things: If his assumption was correct, and if it was, why Josh was still here. Josh’s response was an awkward little wave.

Freddie, uncomfortable by the silence that had followed Henry’s question but well aware that she was the cause of it, responded with simply a terse, “No more jerking off to me now, hm?” She walked towards him, a sneer on her face. “You must be fucking disgusted with me now, right? Knowing I’m a woman? Completely outside of the realm of what sexually appeals to you in any way, shape, or form?”

Josh realized after a moment that this was her way of asking Henry if he actually saw her as a woman. She was asking for reassurance from him, some sort of validation. Josh also realized that if he ever brought this up she would vehemently deny it and claim that she would rather eat dog shit than give a damn about Henry’s view on anything, especially herself.

Henry blinked, unsure of how to correctly respond to this. Awkwardly, his face a bit red, he said, “No, you’re a- you’re a lovely woman, Freddie.”

Josh wasn’t sure if this was the response she wanted or not. Freddie’s reaction was to turn around, walk back to her room, and slam the door behind her. She did not come out until nine, when she eventually grew hungry enough that she snuck into the kitchen for something to eat. She wouldn’t look at Henry.

xxx

“I’ve been thinking about my name.”

A week later, two in the morning. Josh was half asleep when he heard Freddie’s voice. He opened his eyes, blinking tiredly, looking down at her - her back was pressed to his chest and he was holding onto her tight. She squirmed a bit, rolling over to face him. In this position they were so close that her nose poked his chin.

“Yeah?” Josh said. Never good with volume control, he said the word too loudly and she winced a bit.

However, she was easily able to regather herself from the brief disturbance, and said hesitantly, “I don’t know if I want to change it.”

Josh grew concerned at that. “Hm? Why not? Is there something wrong? Some sort of legal thing?” He had researched this before, had looked into what sort of things went into being transgender (of course, there were no _requirements_ , but there were certain steps that many trans folk followed. And Josh wasn’t sure how “conventional” Freddie wanted to be in her transness, but he wanted to at least have a good idea of what sort of things she could be getting into). “If so, I mean.. you don’t have to change it legally yet. And I’m in law school, remember? I could help-”

“No, it’s not any of that.” She sighed and shook her head, eyes lowering. “I… like my name.”

“Freddie?”

“...Yes.”

Josh chuckled, and Freddie’s expression fell. She frowned, looking up at him worriedly. “Is there a problem?”

“No!” Josh immediately shook his head, but he was grinning wider now. “It’s just… really cute.”

Freddie rolled over at that, stubbornly pressing her back to Josh’s chest once more. Her face was redder than her boyfriend’s hair.

xxx

Another week went by. While waiting for Sophie to arrive, Freddie turned to Josh and said, “I can go shopping on my own, you know.”

It wasn’t Josh but Dean, who was currently sitting on the sofa and playing some game on his phone, who responded. “Yeah, but Helen says it’s safer to go with someone.”

Freddie seemed uncomfortable with what that implied, for she fidgeted where she stood and looked around anxiously. Josh watched her for a moment, unsure of what to say. Luckily he didn’t need to come up with anything, for she spoke again: “Maybe I just shouldn’t go. I’m okay like I am, yeah?”

Josh smiled at that and rolled his eyes, walking over to her and looking her up and down. Other than beginning to grow her hair out - a long and slow process that she frequently brought up in the form of complaints - and the very occasional experimentation with makeup, she had made no change in her appearance since coming out. She currently wore a white t-shirt she had dug from her dresser, a leather jacket, and jeans. Josh found himself giggling. “You always look okay, Freddie. More than oka-”

“Well, yeah, to _you_.” Freddie rolled her eyes and turned away. Josh wasn’t sure if he should feel offended or not. “But to other people, Josh.”

“ _I_ think you’re lovely.” a voice called from the kitchen. It was Henry. Josh watched as Freddie’s face went red and she let out a loud, offended, utterly hateful gasp.

“I didn’t ask you, Henry!”

“Alright, I’m sorry!”

Freddie refused to speak after that. Josh took hold of her hand, playing with her fingers and watching her face, wondering if he should say something but unsure of what there was to say. Finally, there was a knock on the front door, and a few moments later Sophie walked up the stairs to the living room of the large flat.

“Hey, Freddie, you ready to go?”

xxx

“You really think I look okay?”

“ _God,_ more than okay, Freddie. I mean it.”

“Mm, it doesn’t fit my chest.”

“You can use inserts, yeah?”

“Don’t own any.”

“We can order some?”

“Yes, but what about now? They want to see how I look _now_.” The _they_ that Freddie was referring to being Dean, Henry, and Sophie, who were waiting in the living room for Freddie to show off the things she had bought on her shopping trip. Josh had been the only person allowed to come in while she was changing.

“You do look great _now_ , Freddie.” Josh assured her with a smile. “Really. You look cute.” He leaned in to give her a kiss on the cheek, and she nudged him a bit, smiling almost reluctantly. “Beautiful, even.”

Freddie glanced to the mirror. She didn’t feel great or cute, and she certainly didn’t feel beautiful. The clothing, a flowery white blouse and pink (Sophie always did have a traditional mindset - if taking a girl shopping for girl clothing for the first time, _of course_ she would go for pink) skirt, felt like a breath of relief, felt like they _should_ be right, like they were meant to be worn by her. But they didn’t work. Not with her body, with her chest and her hips and her face and the hair that seemed like it refused to grow.

She wanted to tear all of the clothing from her body, and perhaps the flesh underneath as well.

“I’m going to change.”

“No!” Josh grabbed her arm, staring with wide, concerned eyes. “Why? You look incredible, Freddie, I mean it.”

“I don’t, Josh. Just… cut it out, will you?” She groaned and pulled her arm away.

Josh sighed and stepped back, not wanting to upset her or push her further. “Alright, sorry, I-”

“Why the fuck are you still here, anyway?”

The question as well as the bitterness in it caught Josh off guard and he went silent, confused and hurt. “What?”

“You’re gay, aren’t you? Go find some boy to fuck.” Freddie pulled the skirt off, stepping out of it and tossing it to the bed.

Josh swallowed and shook his head. “No, Freddie, I don’t… want to leave you.” He sat down on the end of the bed and watched with a little sigh as the blouse was thrown beside him. He touched it, feeling the soft fabric beneath his fingertips, and his eyes remained on it as he said, “I love _you_ , Freddie. I won’t leave you just because you’re a girl.”

“I’m not even a fucking girl.” Freddie had clenched her hands into fists so tight that she could feel her nails digging into the flesh of her palm, but she didn’t care. If anything, she welcomed the pain.

Josh looked up. “Not true,” he said tersely. “You’re a beautiful girl.” He smiled just a bit. “And you look gorgeous, standing there in your underwear and all, but you looked just as gorgeous in that skirt you bought. And I know they’ll wanna see you in it.” He nodded to the door. Freddie glanced to it, remembering now that there were people waiting on the other side, and a pang of guilt ran through her, but it was nowhere near as strong a feeling as the one of disgust that seemed to fill her entire being.

“I don’t know,” she admitted quietly, although she wasn’t entirely sure what she was referring to. She walked to Josh and sat beside him and a soft little sigh escaped her lips. “The clothes feel right, but _I_ don’t. My body, I mean. So it makes the clothes feel wrong too.”

Josh hummed and leaned against her, his head resting on her shoulder. The curls of his hair tickled her neck and she shivered. He glanced up to her face briefly. “You really are beautiful, Freddie. I’ve always thought you were. And, er… we’ll figure this out, yeah? I dunno how to help with that, but we’ll think of something.”

“And you’re not planning to run away to a gay bar and go home with the first guy who promises to take you as far away from the woman you’re stuck with as possible?”

Josh laughed in spite of himself, only because the question seemed so absurd. “No. I choose to be with you. If anything, Sophie’s ‘the woman I’m stuck with,’ and I don’t think there’s a gay man on earth who could actually get me away from her, considering I’ve been stuck with her my whole life.”

xxx

Freddie did, eventually, get dressed again and go out to meet the others. She was greeted by a squeal of excitement from Sophie, who clapped her hands with delight, and a mutter of “ _Bloody hell_ ” and a playful whistle from Dean, who stared with wide eyes. Henry laughed and told her she was gorgeous.

Josh placed a hand on her shoulder, a look that almost hinted at _I told you so_ in his eyes. “Beautiful, yeah?”

Freddie smiled, but she still wasn’t sure she felt very beautiful at all. But she appreciated the compliments and the support, and she felt a little better.

xxx

As the weeks went by, Freddie became more comfortable dressing how she wanted and being happy with the results. She didn’t always dress completely "like a girl," there were days where she was perfectly fine in jeans and a t-shirt, and whether or not she wore inserts on those days varied. On other days she would put more effort into her appearance, wearing a skirt or even a dress, doing her makeup (Sophie had spent about a week straight giving lessons), and, with her hair still too short for her liking, wearing a wig.

Scotty assured her that she was perfectly capable of being a woman with short hair, and while the encouragement helped, she was insistent on growing it out more, having a certain look in mind for herself and hoping it would help a bit with dysphoria. The hair _did_ start to grow out, albeit slowly, and it wasn’t long before she was up at night looking online for different ways to style it.

There was a brief period of time once her hair was long enough to style - she enjoyed curling it a lot - that she worried again about Josh, worried that he was unhappy with her and her appearance, which was gradually becoming more feminine as she worked harder to be happy with herself and pass better. She brought it up awkwardly one night in the form of saying, “You know, most boys don’t have hair this long.”

Josh, who was sitting beside her on the couch and had been focusing until now on the movie they were watching, turned to her with surprise at the words. Unsure of what exactly she wanted him to say, knowing that there was _something_ she wanted from him, he responded with a nervous, “Er, yeah, but… you’re… not.”

Freddie furrowed her brow, watching Josh almost suspiciously, as if doubting him. “I think I might grow it out even longer. To my shoulders, maybe?”

“That’ll look cute,” Josh replied sincerely, smiling hopefully and biting his lip. After a moment, when Freddie gave no response, he added bluntly, “Is something the matter?”

Letting out a defeated huff, she shook her head and turned back to the movie, laying back on the couch with a sigh. Josh watched her, a frown on his face. On the screen an incredibly boring, middle-aged heterosexual couple was arguing over something. For a brief moment Freddie tried to imagine her and Josh in a similar position, older and still together and yelling over petty shit. She wasn’t sure if she found the idea appealing or not. She shifted uncomfortably.

Josh was still watching her, now completely incapable of following the movie. He reached out and his fingers hesitantly brushed through the blonde, curled hair. Freddie glanced to him with a raised eyebrow, and he smiled awkwardly, face warming up. “It’s soft.”

“Yeah?” Freddie moved her head left and right, and Josh thought for a moment that she was trying to move away from his touch, and he withdrew his hand. When she gave him a slightly confused look he realized she was in fact trying to encourage him to continue the touching. He ran his fingers through her hair again. “It better be, curling it takes forever.”

Josh chuckled a bit, nodding in a way that made his own hair bounce. “I know,” He rolled his eyes. Fingers repeatedly running through her hair now, stroking and petting it and paying much more attention to her than the movie, Josh angled himself to face her on the couch and give her his full attention.

Freddie glanced to him, gave him a brief smile, and tilted her head in his direction.

Neither were sure how the movie ended, or if the middle-aged heterosexuals ever got over whatever argument they had been in the middle of having. Freddie, who gradually moved closer to Josh as he played with her hair, ended up falling asleep in his lap, and Josh found himself much more interested in admiring her than paying any attention to the film.

xxx

Freddie had been out for six months.

She was more confident now, at least to some extent. Dysphoria was still hard, but she and Josh had been looking into methods of relieving this. Surgery was expensive, too expensive to even consider at the present moment (not that they hadn’t - Josh had spent more time than he liked admitting researching how that worked and what exactly it would require), but although at the moment it did not seem like she would be acquiring them in the immediate future, hormones were not too impossible of a goal. And even with the extent of her transition being uncertain, she was developing a sort of confidence she had lacked in the beginning.

Although she was still often accompanied - usually by Sophie, Scotty, Dean, Helen, or Josh (Henry offered, of course, but she was typically quick to refuse) - in public, she also would occasionally go out on her own, especially for quick errands and to go to work. She dealt with occasional harassment, but she was good at recovering from it, and easily capable of holding her own. While she had trouble with internalized self hatred, the hatred of bigoted strangers did not seem to affect her too strongly. If anything, it gave her a chance to build up her steadily increasing confidence even more.

Her wardrobe was replaced with mostly women’s clothing, with only a few remnants of her old looks remaining, mostly for days where she was too lazy or tired to put time into her appearance. She was getting better and better at applying makeup, and even Josh had learned how to do some things she struggled with doing herself.

Today was a rainy day. Josh and Freddie were out, having just eaten lunch and now walking down the street together. Josh held an umbrella in one hand (“Be a gentleman, Josh, you don’t want your girlfriend’s hair and makeup getting ruined by the rain, do you?” had been Freddie’s argument as to why he would be the carrier of it) and Freddie’s hand in the other, which he kept a tight, almost protective grip on.

Which was why Josh was aware immediately when Freddie stopped abruptly. He turned to her, a concerned look on his face. “Something wrong, princess?” He hadn’t meant for that nickname to stick when he had started using it a few weeks prior. Freddie hadn’t seemed to mind.

Freddie didn’t respond. She stared up ahead, eyes wide. Josh could swear he could feel her hand trembling just a bit in his own. In fact, her whole body seemed to be trembling faintly.

He followed her gaze to where she was staring. There was a man up ahead. He was standing on the edge of the sidewalk, hands in his pockets. He looked like he was waiting for a ride. He was an older man with dark hair, and Josh had never seen him before.

“D’you know him?” Josh asked, uncomfortable now by Freddie’s lack of response and the fact that she was clearly not alright.

“Let’s just go,” Freddie insisted suddenly, tugging Josh’s hand the opposite direction from where they had been walking.

“What? Why?” Josh followed, but there was obvious confusion and clear worry in his tone. “Who is that? Freddie?!”

“ _Shut up_ , Josh. Just shut up!” Freddie’s response was pleading and desperate and her voice was an octave too high. Josh couldn’t remember the last time he had seen her this panicky. Knowing that whatever was wrong now was not the time to demand an explanation, he nodded and began to silently follow in the direction she pulled him.

But it was too late. Freddie stopped, a soft breath leaving her as she stared over Josh’s shoulder towards the man on the sidewalk. Josh turned and noticed him approaching. Freddie let out a soft, terrified gasp of, “ _Fuck_.”

The man walked over now, and there was a sort of incredulous smile on his face. “Freddie Baxter? That you?” He looked her up and down and Freddie took a step back. Her clothing, the red dress and black jacket she wore, an outfit she had been proud of this morning, burned against her skin, felt like they were made of fire, felt too tight, felt utterly wrong. The man looked at Josh now, and the smile on his face turned to one of amusement. “Who’s this, then?”

“M- My name’s Josh.” Josh gave Freddie’s hand a squeeze and she pulled free of his grip, which confused and worried him. “What about you, then? Who are you?”

“Gregory Pascoe. I was Freddie’s teacher back in high school.” He turned to Freddie again and looked her up and down, and the smirk on his lips was apparent now. But his gaze returned to Josh. “That _is_ him, right?”

The pronoun was so jarring that Josh was momentarily unable to form a response. He gave a weak nod, and tried to squeeze Freddie’s hand again, almost apologetically, before remembering he was no longer holding it. “That’s right. _She_ , uh… she and I are on a date.”

Gregory chuckled. “Thought so.” He turned to Freddie now and eyed her a moment longer. Josh felt a surge of anger flare up at the way his eyes lingered on her. They seemed to stay for an especially long time on her chest. “So this is a… _thing_ you’re doing now, is it? Some gender bullshit?”

Freddie stepped back again. Josh took a step in front of her. He knew Gregory’s name vaguely, had heard it a few times. He knew that Gregory had hurt Freddie, and he knew that Freddie had gotten back at him by exposing him for cheating on his wife, but that was the extent of his knowledge. “Hey, just… back off, will you?” Wanting to avoid confrontation (and intimidated himself), Josh did his best to keep his tone level and peaceful.

Gregory laughed at that, ignoring Josh and keeping his eyes on Freddie. “This your new bodyguard? Involved with someone more your age now, hm?” He shoved Josh aside, gently enough that he didn’t hurt him but with enough force that the boy was successfully forced to move over. With nothing between him and Freddie, he took a step closer to her. She didn’t move this time, seemingly paralyzed. Speaking in a quiet, low voice that even Josh could barely hear, he said, “I don’t care how you dress or how much makeup you wear. You were _all boy_ when you were with me, and you and I both know it.”

Josh sucked in a breath. “I’m serious,” his tone was becoming more forceful now, the anger in him becoming hard to hold in. “Back off, Gregory.”

“Or _what_?” He turned with a sneer. Josh bit his lip, hands clenching into fists and a shiver running down his spine. He glanced only briefly to Freddie but looked away instantly as he saw the tears clear in her eyes. He couldn’t focus on her, he needed to work first on getting Gregory away. For a long moment they stood in silence, Freddie’s breathing loud and ragged and uneven and Gregory’s eyes on Josh, challenging him silently to say something. Josh didn’t move, and after a moment Gregory rolled his eyes and turned away.

“My ride’ll be here any minute.” he said calmly. He turned to Freddie for a final time. For a moment Josh thought he was going to say something and he prepared himself to speak up, but Gregory did nothing of the sort. Instead, after letting his eyes linger on Freddie for another short moment, he turned and walked back down the street.

Freddie couldn’t even wait until he was out of earshot to let out a sob.

Josh was so caught off guard by the suddenness of this that he took a shamefully long time to respond. When he did, the umbrella in his hand dropped to the ground and he ran to Freddie, grabbing her and pulling her into his arms and pressing a kiss to her forehead. She shook her head in hopes of making him move away from her and took a step back, freeing herself from his grip.

“Let’s get you home, Freddie,” Josh tried his best to keep his words gentle, but it was clear that his voice was thick with anxiety and fear and anger. He was breathing hard and fast from his nose and his face was pale. “C’mon.” he encouraged again, grabbing and squeezing her hands.

xxx

Although they were only about ten minutes from Freddie’s flat, the walk back felt like an eternity. Freddie kept completely silent for the entirety of it, and Josh did not feel like trying to ask any questions or get any information from her. His umbrella, he realized about five minutes later, he had left on the ground, and although it was not raining too hard, both of them were beginning to get genuinely soaked. He occasionally attempted to make her feel better with compliments, but they felt empty and meaningless even to his own ears.

When they finally made it back to the flat Josh was relieved to find that Henry and Dean were both out. “Let’s get to your room, princess.” he said quietly, tugging her hand as he lead her up the stairs and into her room. Once there she walked past him and to the bed, where she lay down, and all at once she seemed to completely break down. She let out an almost hysteric sob and clutched the pillow so tightly that Josh was amazed she didn’t tear it open. She bit down hard on her lip for a moment, so hard that she tasted blood, and began to cry.

Hesitantly Josh approached and sat down beside her. He began to rub her back. “Look, Freddie… What he said, he wasn’t-”

Josh went silent as Freddie sat up suddenly and grabbed the front of his shirt. She began to fidget with the buttons of it. “F- Fuck me, okay?” she breathed out, and Josh’s eyes went wide, his face going scarlet. Her fingers were trembling too much to properly undo the buttons. “Fuck me and… and make me feel like a girl when you do. You can do that, can’t you?” She managed to get the bottom button unfastened.

Eyes wide, Josh watched for a moment before gently taking her wrist in his hand. “Freddie, wait-”

“-Or do you not want me?” Freddie let out a weak, bitter laugh. “ _'Course_ you don’t. Who the fuck would want someone like me, right? I’m only wanted when I’m a _fucking male_.” She laughed again before letting out another sob. She sounded a bit like she was about to hyperventilate.

Josh took hold of the other hand now. “That’s not it, Freddie.” he assured her. “I just don’t think that’s what you really want right now.”

Although Josh had not felt that these words were anything profound or extravagant, they caused Freddie to stop in her tracks, looking up at her boyfriend with wide, tear-filled eyes. She stared for a moment, frozen, and then, choking briefly, she collapsed and began to sob into his chest. Josh instinctively wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.

When Freddie spoke again there was still anger in her tone. “ _Why can’t you just f- fucking_ fuck _me_.” She hissed out, her words practically unintelligible amidst her sobs and the way her voice was muffled into his shirt. “Fuck me and make me feel like a fucking g- girl.”

Josh shook his head. Freddie’s tendency to self harm - or at the very least, make herself feel worse in an attempt to make herself feel better - through sex wasn’t a secret to him. He squeezed her entire body and then leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “There are other ways to make you feel like a girl,” he said hesitantly.

Freddie looked up at him, confused by this. “Like _what_?”

A brief smile played over Josh’s features, and he reached out to wipe her eyes with his finger. It turned an inky black as makeup was rubbed off onto it. Voice teasing but still gentle, he said, “Well, for starters, we could fix your makeup.”

xxx

It was late.

Freddie was half asleep. She wore soft purple pajamas and, too exhausted to clean it off, rather awkwardly-applied makeup. Josh had put it on her, insisting that he do it despite his lack of practice or skill. She could hardly complain though. It had been fun, and she had liked being able to watch the concentration in her boyfriend’s huge eyes as he had worked on her.

Josh was beside her, a bit more awake than she was, as he had not been the one to have a violent panic attack earlier that day. Still, he was growing tired. After all, the rest of the evening after that had been spent giving Freddie one hundred percent of his attention, doing everything from bringing her snacks to doing her makeup to kissing her until she couldn’t breathe. He watched her drift off, his own eyes half lidded.

Softly, he said, “You really are a pretty girl, Freddie.” Freddie let out a little, sleepy grunt in response to this and rolled over. Josh chuckled and reached out, his fingers brushing through her hair. “I mean it,”

“I’m tired.”

Josh laughed. “Prettiest girl I know. Even prettier than Sophie - don’t tell her I said that, though.”

“ _So_ tired.”

Josh shoved her playfully, earning him a soft, sleepy whine. He then lay down beside her, shifting closer so that he could pull her back up against his chest. From here, he went back to stroking her hair. “You think you’re pretty too, right?”

“Pretty _exhausted_.” Freddie wriggled around a bit, but did not move away from Josh. She kept her eyes closed stubbornly. “Jesus, today was long. I need to sleep.”

Josh leaned in and kissed her ear. “I’ll make you a deal,” he said. She whined again. “You can sleep after you agree that you’re pretty. Fair?”

Freddie finally, reluctantly opened her eyes. She rolled over to face him, an exasperated look on her face. Still, a smile, just barely there, was visible on her lips, which were currently painted a deep red. “I’m pretty.” She was clearly trying to be nonchalant about the admission, but her cheeks still flushed. “Can I sleep now?”

Pressing a kiss to the bridge of her nose, Josh grinned. “Say it again.”

Freddie rolled her eyes. “My stupid boyfriend thinks I’m pretty.”

“That’s not what I told you to say.”

“ _I’m pretty._ ” She rolled her eyes again and gave Josh a playful shove. “And I’m going to sleep.”

Josh smiled and nodded, kissing her again and watching as she closed her eyes and nestled into his chest. His shirt would probably be stained with makeup the next morning, but he couldn’t care less at the moment. He stayed awake for a brief while longer, watching her drift off and running his fingers through the blonde curls of her hair lovingly.

He soon fell asleep with his pretty girlfriend in his arms.

-end


End file.
